I'm quite disturbed by the layers of judgementalism in this article and some of the responses. First there is the profound lack of knowledge and insight into the family and events. Yet many are happy to judge the father on this limited information. Second is the fact that I suspec that if it was a mother who froze in a dangerous moment that no one would think twice. Some how men are required to be good in an emergency but women are not. Frankly, no one knows how they will react when something dangerous happens. We all like to think the best of ourselves but perhaps we too would freeze and not know how to handle a truly frightening experience.
My mother-in-law lived thru Nazi germany and the bombings haunted her. A sudden loud noise or other danger would send her into a panic. As a result my husband learned to NOT react to things. It was a way of reassuring his mother that all was normal and OK. He tended to see fast action in an urgent situation as panic. One day at my in-laws house a pan on the stove caught fire. My mother-in-law screamed, my husband sat still and said "it's just some fire" as the flames got higher. I jumped up and put a pot lid on the flames.
If you look at my story without knowing the history you could jump to all kinds of wrong conclusions about my husband. People carry all kinds of past experiences into daily life. People come in all kinds of temperments. And we bring all of this to family life. My husband may not react quickly in an emergency but you could not find a more devoted, steady, and loving husband and father.
Reframing is a technique that allows us to see things from another perspective. It's a vital skill that can help us see other people in a new way. This is can help us step away from rightous judgementalism that creates and us v.s. them view of the world. Let's try it with this article.
Perhaps this father has never been good in emergencies but normally sits every night at his kids bedside and listens to them talk about their day.
Perhaps the father is a vetran who suffers from PTSD and the horror of seeing his son dragged off triggered a flashback that consummed him.
Perhaps his daughter has a terminal illness. The horseback riding in Mongolia was her dream. He stayed beside her when his son was dragged off because her bones are brittle. He helped her continue on the ride knowing his son was in the loving and capable hand of his wife.
There are a million scenarios in which judgementalism of this father would not really be appropriate. We don't know what is going on until we take the time to know.
