I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. It can be really hard when we see our children so distraught and inconsolable.

And if you're feeling unsure about the whole thing it's highly understandable. It's a tricky one. My kids are now 11 y/o but I too had a son who had massive meltdowns. I'll share some thoughts.

The trick here is that young children can, and often do, engage in what appears to be very bizzare and neurotic behavior. Head banging, breath holding, biting, sitting in feces, food refusal, repeative actions or habits...all can be totally normal in a small child. Many, many, maaaany of these things are phases that they simply out grow.

But then we also know that some behaviors can help us diagnos real issues so that we can intervene.

But then we are a culture in love with a good diagnois. We have a tendancy to label and pathologize everything.

You have also had the terrible experience of having a child who truly did have a serious diagnosis that required early surgical intervention. I suspect that trauma must still leave you in a state of hypervigilance over your baby's well being.

So how do you wade through this mess? Is your son's insistance on "doing over" a sign of pathology or standard crazed toddler behavior? The first thing you can feel assured of is that his annoying, emotional, intense, and repetative behavior may be totally normal. If that is the case then he needs time to grow. He needs help learning how to manage big feelings. (this takes much time) He needs those around him to understand that his meltdowns are not attempts at manipulation but episodes of overwhelming and confusing feelings. Parenting a child through this kind of thing is often very emotionally draining. But it is a phase and it does pass. (been there, done that. So glad it's past!!)

So what do you do if you're "mommy alarm" is still nagging at you that there maybe something else going on with your son? First, always listen to your "mommy alarm." Next, I'd seek out as much input as possible from other parents who have seen the behavior. Does it look to them like typical stuff toddlers do that make parents crazy? None of us parents are alone out here. Others have gone before. If you can, seek out some input from those whose opinion you value.

Finally, there is the option of professional evaluation. This can be very helpful or problematic. Most professionals are trained to evaluate and sniff out pathology. For some this means they are prone to seeing pathology. Remember that a "diagnosis" for your child can become a lens through which you see them for the rest of their life. It can also be a tool that helps you get them the early help they may need. I think the thing to remember is that experts want to help and they may be right or they may get it wrong. So gather your input from many sources before you conclude anything.

To be clear I consulted a child development professional on two occasions when my kids were young. I got immensely helpful insight from them.

So my insights for you are:

1. your son's behavior may be difficult, weird and totally normal.

2. If you decide it's normal you can still seek out help and perspective in how to handle it.

3. If you're still not sure, get thoughts and insights from friends and professionals alike before you come to a conclusion.

4. Hang in there! Parenting can be really tough and the younger years are especially challenging. Loving a child through long meltdowns is exhausting so be good to yourself. They do grow up...and often get better at big feelings.