Oh my god do not let this go on. You tell him that you need an equal co-professional in your life not a day-laborer who needs to be led around by his nose!
Men are not incompetent. They are perfectly capable of multi tasking. And they are capable of learning how to notice. But you will need to stop filling the gap and doing all the work. You will need to have a lot of clear conversations about what needs to get done and the fact that he needs to take initiative in getting all the work done.
Point out that if he sat around at work waiting for some one to tell him every little thing he needed to do then he'd get fired! Tell him he needs to start practicing "situational awareness" regarding chores in his own home. If he was in the army then I promise you he knows what that means and he can do this. Tell him to step up his game and stop letting down his platoon mate.
Point out that this kind of thing can lead to resentment and become a huge wedge in your relationship. Because it truly can. No matter how much you love him he still needs to be an adult who shares the shouldering of life's load.
I know so many women who deal with this issue and if you don't nip it in the bud it only gets worse.
If you have kids I suggest you don't breast feed the first baby. Pump and then hand the bottle and baby to him. Many men need to be thrown into the thick of baby care to really learn it. If you breast feed the first baby then he'll hang out on the edges and never go all in. But if you pump and bottle feed the first child then by the second baby he'll have learned it all. So then you can breast feed if you want.
FYI - I'm a 55 y/o mom with 10 year old twins and a 62 year old husband who has always been an active co-professional parent. He would tell your husband to step up. He'd also tell him that doing so would lead to the most rewarding thing in life. Love, commitment, family, and a life time of companionship.
Your part in giving him that gift is that you have to step back and not do everything for him.
Good luck and hang in there!
Kathleen
